So, for the past couple of days, I’ve continued to push myself outside of my comfort zone. They seem like baby steps but, for me, they are huge because there was a time when fear would have stopped me from moving forward.
Thursday, I posted a video with a makeup look that I never would have considered doing a year ago. This is what happens when you stop caring about failing.
Yesterday, I received a message that literally moved me to tears and this was on top of an already rough week. I pushed passed my feelings (something I’m learning to do) and went out with my friend, Natasha.
I am super excited to be able to finally share this with you. I got this crazy idea to create a Frida Kahlo inspired look AND take a video of it AND have a photo shoot with my good friend, Rey Granger (business info found below). Needless to say, it was a lot of work but, I was almost brought to tears when I saw the finished product!
Frida is one of my heros. She lived such an innovative and inspirational life. If you would like to learn more about her, check out the link here.
This post has quite a bit of information so, make sure you check it all out. Let me know what you think by leaving a comment below or on the video. Enjoy!
Wet & Wild Coverall Primer
Maybelline Fit Me! #310
Rimmel Match Perfection Skin Tone Adapting Concealer #240 Light/Neutral
Ben Nye Luxury Powder in Banana
BH Studio Pro Tinted HD Powder in Golden
Mac Eyeshadow in Expresso
Mac Eyeshadow in Vanilla
Urban Decay Naked 2 Palette Blackout
BH Cosmetics Contour & Blush 2 Palette
Markwins Artisan Color Baked Blush in Raspberry
Beautique Intense Jumbo Lip Crayon in Blackberry
Loreal Voluminous Miss Manga Rock Mascara
Covergirl The Super Sizer Mascara
Rimmel Lasting Finish by Kate Lipstick in Rosetto #107
So, most of us deal with the reality of this fear. It’s debilitating, crippling, and keeps you from even trying to do new things. It’s the fear of failure and it’s one of my biggest fears. The crazy thing is this: No matter how hard we try, there will be times when we will fail. No matter how gifted, intelligent, witty, cute, or nice we are, there will be a time when you will hit the ground…hard.
I’ve had a bad habit of either not trying to do something because I was scared I would fail or I’d try and fail and then keep going as if nothing has happened. Neither of those is a healthy solution.
Sometimes our life will put us in a predicament where we have to really confront and deal with our issues. Apparently, my life (and God) feels that my time is now…No, it doesn’t feel good but, it will be worth it.
The first step to dealing with this fear (or any for that matter) is to identify it. You have to know what it is that you’re dealing with. When I think of “failure”, I don’t think of some broad idea. I think of specific times where I have failed. Those are what I need to identify. So, I prayed and asked God to bring back to my remembrance any failure that I need to address. Sure enough, they came flowing out and I had a list 20-something strong.
Let me give you a heads up. This will not be an overnight process. I’m going through it as I type. If you don’t see another “My FEARLESS Journey” post for a while, it’s because I’m still dealing with this situation. This doesn’t mean that I won’t allow myself to live in the meantime. It just means that I will be attentive to my needs in this area until it’s done.
At this point, it is important that you pay attention to how you feel. Are you upset or angry? Are you sad or overwhelmed? You need to allow yourself to feel your feelings and deal with why you are feeling that way. What is the underlying reason for your feelings? For me, I felt nothing. Actually, what I felt was an immediacy to handle this. I didn’t feel sad or guilty or condemned because of my list. It didn’t bring me shame to see my failures in writing. What it did was make me see, firsthand, what I was dealing with. It was almost a relief because getting them out meant that I didn’t have to carry them anymore. It was a jumping off point. A place where I can start dealing with this leg of my journey.
Oddly enough, just documenting this is a step out of my comfort zone. I’m sharing some of my skeletons and what will you think about that? How will that make you feel about the person that I am? I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t care about that. I have to focus more on the fact that there is someone out there that is going through the same things that I am going through and I need to share so they can have hope…so they can know that they are not alone.
The second step is to pray about your list. Bring this all to God. At the end of the day, He will be who helps you through all of this. He will be who guides you along the way. Ask Him how or where you should begin. We are all different so how you proceed might be different that how I proceed. It is important that you take your time and really be aware of things. I say that because what you don’t want is to be going through this again.
For me, the next step is to identify why those failure have occurred. For instance, I’ve gone through a divorce. My initial reaction to that divorce was, “It’s all his fault. Had he ______ or ______, I wouldn’t have _____.” That response solves nothing…and I really mean NOTHING! You learn nothing. Nothing changes and quite honestly, you would’ve gone through all of it for nothing.
At this point in my life, my response has to be, “Why did that happen?”, “What did I do to contribute to the problem?”, “Why did I do that?”, “What could have been done differently?”… As you can see, this might be a long process. I admonish you to go through it because it will help you to not continue making the same mistakes.
Dealing with past failures will allow me to know that these “failures” are really lessons that I learn. It changes my perspective. Knowing that I am always learning and not necessarily failing, will give me a door to move forward with things that may seem intimidating. This doesn’t mean that I won’t be scared. What it means is that I can do it…even if I’m scared.
There are no perfect people and failing is inevitable. It is important to differentiate between failing and being a failure. As long as I don’t quit, I’ll never be a failure. Yay!
Keep this in mind: Your failures do not define you.
So, this year, I’ve decided to do those things I’ve never done. To venture into what is, for me, unchartered territory. I’ll be posting pics and tid bits of those things throughout the year. One of the first things that I’m going to do is expose myself.
Some of you may be thinking that may not be a hard thing to do. Well, for me, it’s a challenge.
I used to write poetry…seriously. I would wake up in the morning and see words scrolling across my mind or I’d be sitting somewhere and hear someone say something and it would trigger an entire poem.
In 2004, I went through a divorce and by the next year, I was in the hallway of my apartment, wanting to take my life. The next day, I woke up and wrote a poem named “Water Under the Bridge”. My recitation of that poem eventually won me a scholarship back to school. I finished up my Bachelor’s degree and began teaching. From my deepest pain came a beautiful turnaround that changed the course of my entire life.
Why am I telling you all of this? When I started writing this post, I had no idea what I was going to say. This is kind of spilling out as I type. So, I believe I’m writing this to encourage someone.
God has been challenging me the past couple of months to change my perspective. Of all the things I’ve tried to do across the course of my life, this has been the hardest. I’ve failed royally along the way but, I’m thankful that God is determined to get me there.
Here is a poem I wrote the other day. I was frustrated with how I felt about where I am in life.
I’m here waiting for something to change.
I’m here waiting for something to change and I see nothing.
Fear creeps up inside of me…reminding me of how familiar this feels.
Emptiness. Void. A hole big enough for you, God, but I’m scared you won’t fill it.
I try to give you my issues, this situation, but, I’m scared you won’t fix it.
I want to step back and allow you to move but, I’m scared you won’t move it…
Scared that I’ll wake up tomorrow and I’ll be right here…right where you left me.
Right in the middle of this pain.
The pain that has me debilitated, bound, crippled even.
I try to fake it.
I try to fake it and cover up.
I try to fake it and cover up how I really feel because if I show you what I’m really going through, it makes me vulnerable to you.
I can’t take another person knowing how wounded I am.
I can’t trust another person pouring salt into those wounds.
I can’t deal with another person not realizing what an amazing, outstanding, genuine person I am and taking that for granted.
God be a fence, a wall, or a wrecking ball ’cause I need something to fix this.
So, in the meantime, I’m here.
I’m here waiting for something to change.