It’s been a while since I’ve written… anything. Let me just be real. It’s been a while since I’ve done much of anything. I find victory in the fact that I’m still here, despite what I’ve been through.
The past two years have been the hardest in my life. I went through a divorce that I wasn’t expecting and last night, I lost my grandmother. Death can come in many forms and quite honestly, I’m not wanting to see any more.
As a child, I spent so much of my time wishing I was grown so I wouldn’t have to do chores, stay at home, or follow 80 million rules. As an adult, all I want is the freedom of a child. I want to run around in the grass barefoot, to climb trees, and sit underneath the sun and watch the clouds all day. I want the opportunity to not be stressed or worry about the weight of the world on my shoulders… to not worry about failure, loss… to not worry about death, in whatever form it comes in.
As I lay here, waiting on the sun to rise, I think about my grandmother. How hard she worked in a yarn mill for decades. I think about her sense of humor, her quick wit, her no nonsense attitude. I think about her sweet potato pie that I used to love, her chicken dressing that I never got the recipe to, and how spending the night at her house meant fried chicken and rice for breakfast.
I think about my grandfather who is suffering with Alzheimer’s disease. I think about everything he and my grandmother went through together and in the end, nothing was left but their love for each other. I think about how this disease could never be considered a gift except in that moment.
Amist all these thoughts and feelings, I consider myself blessed. My grandmother helped raise me. It’s because of her that I am able to keep going in life. My strength, my determination, my witty sense of humor, it all is from her.
The last conversation I had with her was of her encouraging me to move on with my life after my divorce. I saw how angry she was at what I was going through and I was glad because again, my grandma had my back and even now, I know that she always will.
Rest in peace, Grandma. I will always love you.