My FEARLESS Journey: Here

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So, this year, I’ve decided to do those things I’ve never done. To venture into what is, for me, unchartered territory. I’ll be posting pics and tid bits of those things throughout the year. One of the first things that I’m going to do is expose myself.

Some of you may be thinking that may not be a hard thing to do. Well, for me, it’s a challenge.

I used to write poetry…seriously. I would wake up in the morning and see words scrolling across my mind or I’d be sitting somewhere and hear someone say something and it would trigger an entire poem.

In 2004, I went through a divorce and by the next year, I was in the hallway of my apartment, wanting to take my life. The next day, I woke up and wrote a poem named “Water Under the Bridge”. My recitation of that poem eventually won me a scholarship back to school. I finished up my Bachelor’s degree and began teaching. From my deepest pain came a beautiful turnaround that changed the course of my entire life.

Why am I telling you all of this? When I started writing this post, I had no idea what I was going to say. This is kind of spilling out as I type. So, I believe I’m writing this to encourage someone.

God has been challenging me the past couple of months to change my perspective. Of all the things I’ve tried to do across the course of my life, this has been the hardest. I’ve failed royally along the way but, I’m thankful that God is determined to get me there.

Here is a poem I wrote the other day. I was frustrated with how I felt about where I am in life.

Here

I’m here.
I’m here waiting for something to change.
I’m here waiting for something to change and I see nothing.
Fear creeps up inside of me…reminding me of how familiar this feels.
Emptiness. Void. A hole big enough for you, God, but I’m scared you won’t fill it.
I try to give you my issues, this situation, but, I’m scared you won’t fix it.
I want to step back and allow you to move but, I’m scared you won’t move it…
Or me.
Scared that I’ll wake up tomorrow and I’ll be right here…right where you left me.
Right in the middle of this pain.
The pain that has me debilitated, bound, crippled even.

I try to fake it.
I try to fake it and cover up.
I try to fake it and cover up how I really feel because if I show you what I’m really going through, it makes me vulnerable to you.
I can’t take another person knowing how wounded I am.
I can’t trust another person pouring salt into those wounds.
I can’t deal with another person not realizing what an amazing, outstanding, genuine person I am and taking that for granted.
God be a fence, a wall, or a wrecking ball ’cause I need something to fix this.
So, in the meantime, I’m here.
I’m here waiting for something to change.

Until next time…

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Above photo credit: https://missionyear.org/missionyear/be-fearless/

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4 thoughts on “My FEARLESS Journey: Here

    1. Funny you should say that. I have been feeling like I need to write a book for the past ten years. My blogs are a way to teach myself discipline. Lol.

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