Heavenly Hump Day: Comparisons and Compromise

So, if you’ve known me for a little while, you would think that I was a pretty confident person. I only speak when spoken to. I only need help when I ask for it. And, I pretty much have it all together.

What you are really seeing is fear and nervousness when meeting others (I’m naturally introverted), too much pride to ask for help, and a facade of elements that appear as if everything is always “all good”. Many times, I’m only holding onto life by a string and sometimes I’m holding onto life by its neck. But, I can’t let you see that… right?

If you’ve known me for more than a little while, you’d know that as a child, a teenager, and an early adult, I struggled with self esteem issues. I was different than most children my age and it was rare that I would ever fit in. I learned to cope by becoming whatever I needed to become to be invisible. Not invisible where I wasn’t seen at all but, invisible where who I really was did not stand out so much against everyone else.

I can look back on my life and see how the decisions I made sent me down a painful, downward spiral. I was comparing myself to others and compromising who I was and what I really wanted, just to be accepted.

Eventually, I would tire of the charades, snap back to who I really was, and then get mad at whoever was there simply because they didn’t see all this happening. I woke up one day, on the floor of my apartment’s bathroom, tired and alone with nothing and no one left. That was when I cried out to God and told Him: If you don’t do something, I will.

One good thing about hitting rock bottom is this: There’s no where to go but up! I was waiting to die that night and to be honest, a little piece of me did. A little piece of me has died every day since that night and the next morning, I woke up to a new day and I gave my life to Christ. I mean really gave it to Him.

I’m not one of those people who run around beating God into people’ s heads. I don’t believe God wants me to do that. I am, however, here to let you know that I would have killed myself that night had it not been for the patient, loving hand of God.

Tears come to my eyes as I think of all the things I’d suffered and people I’d hurt before that night. I think about them sometimes and my heart aches because they never really got to know who I really was.

Today is the day to choose. Who are you and will you let go?


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